We're inside after a nice hike at Lake Padden this morning as the rain comes tumbling down.  The first hike in awhile where we should have brought gloves for Linnea.  Since we didnt' we endured several minutes of ear-biting shrieks, but she eventually found a different focus with a granola bar and we made it back to the car.

We find ourselves in almost a new life this fall as we've moved to a new house, lost one of our dogs, are trying to figure out how to wrangle a 2-year old, and how in the world we're going to do any of this with another baby in 6 months.  That's right, another one.  We're due April 17th with Linnea's sibling.  Just when I start feeling a glimpse of having some time to myself - but in the long term, this is the right decision, or so I tell myself.

Linnea has decided to be Christopher Robin for Halloween - quite possibly one of the worlds most boring and unrecognizable costumes, but that's what we're doing.  Yellow shirt, blue shorts and black shoes.  I did find a large Tigger doll that we'll strap to her back somehow.  In all my efforts to coerce her into saying she'd be an alligator, peacock, squirrel, candy corn or zebra, she's sticking with Christopher Robin.  Probably because he's the only human character in any of our movies - so he is the ONLY realistic choice in her mind - and she's the one thinking I'M NUTS for suggesting all these animals and inanimate objects.

Potty training is going well and she's pooping almost 100% in the toilet.  She gets sidetracked, excited, or a temporary feeling of lack of attention - which cause her to still pee on the floor or in her pants from time to time, but overall, I think we're on a trend to full potty training; during the day at least.  Nighttime is a different story, but if she has to wear a diaper for that for awhile, that's no big deal - since I had bedwetting issues for quite a few years.

I'm sitting at 3.5 months into this new pregnancy with few complaints so far.  I'm still able to drag myself out of bed at 5am to do some kickboxing at 'Boot Camp'.  I figure I'll keep doing it until it just doesn't feel safe anymore - and I'll pick it back up as soon as possible after the baby is born.  I remember those mornings of nursing several times a night and then still getting in the car at 5:28 to get to the 5:30 class.  It isn't pretty, but it was worth it, so I'll get through it again - right?

Kids certainly change one's perspectives in many ways.  I look at free time as some look at gold.  I consider forking out $2 for kitchy ugly plastic cups with sparkles in them.   Injury is much more about inconvenience than it is about pain.  The thought of death is scarier and I'm much more empathetic when I hear about people dying that have young kids.  I want to sleep so badly at times when I can't - and when I finally can sleep, I think about all the things I should be doing instead.  My living room has a miniature pink kitchen and trampoline in it.  It takes minimal convincing for us to bring home an enormous teddy bear that takes up one of our few chairs.  Grocery shopping is an 'event' for the day.  Making dinner in less than 10 minutes is my number 1 goal after work.   If I get 30 minutes of free time before bed instead of the normal 15, I feel a brief elation - like I've won something awesome.  When I get to work, I sit down and think "Finally - time for a break".   The achievement of 'having a good time' is now based on whether or not  Linnea is having a good time.  

Today we stopped for a hot chocolate after our cold walk in the forest.  We went through the drive through and as we were leaving, Miguel said "Now Linnea, don't drink while I'm driving so you don't spill it on yourself."  Her response was "Daddy, Stop driving!"

She brings a million times more smiles and laughter than tears and frustration - well maybe not a million, but a lot.  So, we'll mulitply all this by two (in April) and in about 7 years we'll have some free time again.  From what I hear from other parents, I'll look back on these days and say to myself "If only I could have a toddler again, if even for a day".   I'm working at taking it all in and appreciating the moments, because I realize that life is fragile and impermanent - and today is what we have.      

While on a family camping trip this week, our best friend Mocha died.  It is the month of her 16th birthday.  Mocha has been with Miguel for most of her life, and with me for about 10 years.  Our families will miss her dearly.  The timing of Mocha's passing was actually quite beautiful in that most everyone who's life she touched was with her - which happens only once a year - on THIS camping trip.  The majority of the camping 'crew' had left and we had 2 nights remaining, so it was a quiet night with Mary, Phil, Diane, Julio, Linnea, Miguel Lucy and all the other dogs.  Mocha wasn't feeling well, not eating for a couple days, and that night she couldn't get comfortable and just walked around, whimpering at times while we sat by the campfire trying to think of ways to ease her pain.  Miguel stayed up with her throughout the night and Julio took over at about 5am.  She passed around 7am while Julio was holding her.  She was among people that love her so much.  Of course, we thought of all the things we 'should' have or 'could' have done that might have saved her, but even in her old age, she was able to leave a beautiful bond between all of us and a memory to treasure.

Linnea and I found a perfect size stick in the woods and Miguel threw it into the lake so Lucy could retrieve it.  Lucy carried the stick up to Mocha's grave and we all gathered around to cry and share memories of what we loved about Mocha.  I found a ball that was in the soil dug out for her grave and tossed it aside - as she never liked balls anyway.  Julio played a beautiful song on his flute and gave her a perfectly grilled piece of steak.  My mom gave her a rock - as she loved getting rocks and splashes out of the water.  When she was all covered up, we each placed a rock above her gravesite and walked away to the music.  Her grave overlooks the mountains and Elk Lake - a perfect place to be for the rest of eternity.

Dear Mocha, we have shed many tears remembering how much we loved you and your spirit.  You are greatly missed, and we treasure our memories splashing, running, feeding(!), being guarded by, and playing with you - thank you for giving us so much joy for so many years.   You are forever in our hearts.

Love,
Heather 

I caught myself the other day answering a question with a partial lie.  The question "How are you guys doing?".  How simple is that?  My response was something like: "Great - everything is just moving along - things are good, just nothing special going on at the moment."  As the words started coming out of my mouth in some sort of pre-programmed way, I heard them and thought "This is totally not true - why don't I have a better answer than this? - It isn't like I haven't had time to think about it."  What isn't 'special' about everyday happiness and good health?  Our daughter is learning by leaps and bounds how to think for herself, how to work with her arms and legs in new ways, and she's even starting to give me looks - on purpose - like she's making a joke, or she's toying with me.  Miguel and I are both working (me only 4 days a week by choice), and we have a community of friends that can't be beat.  One of our greatest friends is battling - and winning - against a form of lymphoma that had doctors scratching their heads all across the country.  We can afford to eat great foods, we have time to enjoy each other's company, and we have families that love us.  So things are going great and I wouldn't change a thing.  Everyday, every moment is especially perfect.  There's no need to play it down.  

It is Mother's Day today.  The weather isn't awesome, but it was good enough for the whole family to get out on a hike to Fragrance Lake.  On the way there, Linnea asked if we were going on a "picnic" - a word she's learned from one of my old Richard Scary books.  This was one of only a few times (and I'm sure there are tons more to come) where she's had a better idea than I have.  One time she told me there was 'dog poop' before I ended up stepping in it.  So, we made a quick detour and picked up a sandwich and some chips for our little family picnic - good idea LE!  She rode in the backpack and Miguel carried her.  The promise of a picnic and Lucy swimming got her all the way to the top of the climb without much fuss - and as soon as we got to water's edge, she wanted her shoes off so she could splosh around.  I don't know how she didn't freak out at the cold temperature, must have been the awe and wonder of sand between her toes - but she splashed and sploshed as long as we let her.  Our sandwich was enjoyed between taking turns redirecting Linnea away from the water and throwing Lucy's enormous stick in the water.  Yes, we pushed the limits of the nap by getting her to sleep 2 hours late, but what a day we've had for the memory book.   

Happy Mother's Day to all the Grandmas out there Marietta, Mary, Diane & Margo.   We hope you enjoyed our little gifts of appreciation - as we love having you in our lives.

-Heather

Since Miguel has summers off and I don't, weekends are precious to all of us.  The quandry of whether to stay home, to get out and go, run errands, or to catch up on sleeping is often apparent.  This weekend, we had penciled in a camping trip and possibly raspberry picking on our "to do" calendar.  We have to mentally gear up for a camping trip, and after heavy thought I was still up for it - and I think Miguel would have been happy to stay home, but he said he was game for an adventure.  We planned it all out over breakfast - but the thing about us is that we plan and we take a very long time to 'do'.  We figured we'd wait until after LE's first nap since she's never been keen on "sleeping in the car" when we make that part of our plan.  This time, we were going to be smarter than her.  I got a tip from a neighbor friend that Camano Island was a beautiful place to camp, and only 1.5 hours away.  So that was the destination.  All we needed was a piece of advice and our plans were in motion. 

While LE took her nap, I resourcefully went to the store to pick up the dinner items, snack items, and a few cute clothes that she 'needed', like a swim rashguard to protect against the sun and some plaid pants (of course!).  I managed to get home shortly after she woke up, but we were all hungry, so the lunch we intended on making at the campsite, we made at home.  As Miguel puts it, we were slow before having a kid.   Now, we're glacial.  So, to sum it up, we got out of the house at 2:40pm.  No problem, right?

Wrong.  We arrived at the campground to see a sign, which I should have taken a photo of to further dramatize this entry, that said "Campground FULL".  We kept an ounce of hope and drove around the 1-43, 44-78, 79-105 loops, and every single stinking spot had a car in it - or some sort of pathetic camp chair.  Not to dispair though, we pulled into the day use area and were determined to have a good time.  The beach was full of rocks the size of baseballs and covered in barnacles.  The water was brown and murky and the tide must have been out, because it was a long ways away.  Lucy was rambunxious as all get-out, and chased her frisbee ad nauseam.   We found a small patch of little gravelly type rocks where we put out a blanket and let LE sift the sand through her fingers.  Lucy ran herself ragged - and cut her feet all up on the barnacles, so we had to stop chasing the frisbee.  We didn't have enough food and the car was too far away. This wasn't quite the beach experience we were expecting, and both of us couldn't help but think, "We should have just gone to Larrabee Park in Bellingham - it is way better than this."  You know how sometimes you have to travel far away to realize how beautiful it is right in your own backyard?  We stayed for about an hour and then with little discourse, made the decision to head back home and camp at good ol' Larrabee State Park. On our way out, we saw big groups of college-age folks with their boom boxes, loud yelling and beercans, and thought "Yah, maybe it's better we didn't find a spot".   With a kick in our step, we headed back home to the first place we ever stayed in Bellingham,  the Larrabee campground.  

I won't go on forever, but you must know that we made our way along the twisting, winding Chuckanut Drive and pulled into the park an hour and a half later, to see the dreaded sign "Campground FULL".  Once again, beaten down.  "No, you will NOT go camping".  So, with a screaming, kicking LE (sick of being in her carseat), and a very tired & sore Lucy, we pulled up in front of our house and proceeded to take everything out of the car that we had so carefully placed there a few hours earlier.  Camping Trip Thwarted.

Never fear though, instead of putting a match to some briquettes, we put LE down in her own bed, made up two beautiful steaks on the grill with salad and corn on the cob and a couple glasses of fine wine (all of which we took out of the camping bin) .  We watched a movie, made a batch of Snickerdoodles and a batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies, and went to sleep in a comfy Queen bed.  We felt like morons, but we were comfortable morons.  

Sunday was much more successful as we did some yardwork, met our friends to pick 10 lbs of raspberries (and LE got very down and dirty), and even visited the water park on our way home.  Once again, this weekend was a good reminder as to why the heck we love living here.  We don't have to go anywhere else to have a great time.  Bellingham is seriously the best place on earth.

It was a week night and I was on my way home from work on a lovely sunny evening.  It was one of the nights where we take turns to get out on a bikeride, or to do something out on our own for exercise in the evening, but it donned on me that I'd much rather spend an evening with my family (together) outside.  So, instead of rushing to feed Linnea and rushing out the door to run around, I pitched the idea to Miguel to rush to Fred Meyer for a roasted chicken so we could spend the evening at Boulevard Park with Linnea & the dogs.  Miguel had no qualms with the idea, so that's what we did.  We took a blanket, some drinks, Lucy's frisbee and about 25 other things we probably didn't need, and ended up at one of our favorite places in Bellingham.  So what that Linnea went to bed an hour late.  So what that I didn't get to run.  There will be plenty of time for all of that.  We did get the memory - some great photos - and two very happy dogs out of it.  I'm sure Linnea will forget that we did that, but for me, it was important to see that with a little initiative, we can still do little things that put life into living. 

When I heard Miguel say through the bathroom window "Linnea, remind me to listen to your mother", I didn't know whether to worry or say "I told you so".  This, along with the smell of smoke emanating from his sweatshirt could only mean one thing...lighting the briquettes wasn't going as planned.  Earlier in the evening I offered a snyde comment when Miguel said he was going to cook our steaks using the briquettes in our yuppy portable fireplace.  I said "Isn't that going to take forever?"  It was already past 6pm and I've learned that on weekdays, dinners need to be started before 6pm in order to eat at a decent hour.  I didn't harp on the subject though, and I said that if he thought it was a good idea, he should go for it.  Meanwhile, our gas grill was sitting in the corner. 

Once Linnea was tucked into bed, I came outside to find Miguel with the briquettes actually on the gas grill and he filled me in on the sequence of events.  He started with the briquettes in the fireplace and lit some wood shavings underneath - only to be covered in a swath of smoke.  He tried newspaper, white gas, the blow torch.  Nothing was moving him any closer to dinner.  In admission of defeat, he pulled out the propane grill and decided not to waste the briquettes, so he put those on the rack underneath the steaks.  Next time he checked, the plastic knobs on the BBQ were practically melting off of of the front panel because so much heat was being generated inside.  Thus, the steaks are smoldering nicely above open flame.  A good ending to the story though, the steaks were wonderful and not burned or dropped into the briquettes.  It is no wonder we don't use those things anymore.  

To his credit, our gas grill was not a man's grill.  It was cheap to begin with and we were the 3rd people to own it.  The racks were thinning out and barely holding onion rings anymore.  Needless to say, Father's Day this year was not a difficult purchase.  Unfortunately, I don't have the photo documentation to show you, but once we got our neat box (grill in a box) home, we didn't account for the dismantling of the packaging and backyard chaos of putting together a BBQ before dinner.  We planned a lovely dinner of tuna steaks and scallops just for the debut of the Father's Day BBQ.  We had styrofoam, cardboard, nuts & bolts, doors & stainless steel parts scattered througout the lawn at 7pm.  Never fear though, we busted through those mind-boggling instructions and 2-D figures to produce a spitting image of the BBQ that was already put together in the store.  At some point, you've got to wonder how this was a "gift".    We had our tuna steaks breaded with sesame seeds over salad and 2 giant scallops each with butter, lemon and salt - a perfect meal to reward our effort.

We now have a beautiful (large) functioning, 4-burner gas grill that can stand up to any man's man.   Happy First Father's Day Dad - let's figure some way to donate those leftover briquettes - or maybe smoked smores would be good someday!

It has been said that there are many milestones in raising a child.  I believe we've hit a milestone ladies and gentlemen.  Now, some of our friends have claimed (and I think they're lying) that their child slept through the night at a mere 8 weeks old.  Well, our darling Linnea waited until she was good and ready, and as of last night has slept a record breaking 8.5 hours (7.5 months).  She made a few peeps and cries in between, but didn't officially need parental involvement between 10:30 pm and 7 am.  Miguel and I were such nonbelievers that we had to go in and check for breathing at 3:30am just to ease our minds.  Actually, it was more Miguel than me - as I was in a sort of blissfull "I'm still sleeping and it's awesome" frame of mind. 

In other news, Linnea has been pinching "puffs" between her fingers and putting food in her own mouth for about a week now.  We're also quite smitten with the fact that she's saying "ma-ma" - although we're not convinced she knows what it means yet.  I particularly like it when she accents the first syllable to sound more Italian "ma MA", so I'm trying to encourage that one as much as possible.  She's sitting up with confidence and lunging forward at will.  Her newest trick is all of a sudden arching backwards when you're holding her so she can look at the world upside down for a few seconds.  This comes as a surprise to us much of the time, so we've got be on top of our game when holding the little wiggle worm. 

It was Miguel's birthday last night and so we had a babysitter come to the house while we went out to dinner.  We tried a popular Italian place here in Bellingham and had a great time enjoying ourselves.  I notice that when I see other kids out and about now, I have a different perspective on them.  I think about what Linnea will be like when she's their age, I think about the parents and try to guage their faces to see if they're tired, content, or disheveled.  One thing Miguel and I both noticed while out on our date was that we missed Linnea.  Funny how that works.  She's become a major part of our daily routine - but even moreso, we now feel like something is missing when she's not around.  Speaking of that, you know how we're so busy all the time - doing laundry, washing diapers, dishes, sweeping, picking up toys, changing diapers, feeding...etc.  We wonder what in the world were we doing BEFORE when we thought we were so busy?  Good question. 

Our chickens are starting to eat each other.  They've been cooped up together for about 3 years now and its starting to get to them.  A couple weeks ago, Gertie decided to defeather Big Red's entire head, and she decided not to stop there.  Big Red has a gaping wound now on her head that looks like a bit of a problem.  We're letting her out of the coop during the day as to not expose her to the continual wrath of Gertie - but it doesn't look good.  It's about time for new chickens anyway  - but we're doing a heck of a job procrastinating on actually doing anything about that, so Gertie has taken it into her own hands I suppose.

So, Mother's Day is coming up this weekend.  My first real Mother's Day as a mother.  I think I've earned it and I'm going to love every minute. I'm going to celebrate 8 hours of sleep - even though that has not been 8 hour for me - hooray!  As a matter of fact, I'm going to go to sleep right now and cross my fingers that she can pull this off again. Snoooze button here I come.   It's been a long time coming and I am so ready.  As a matter of fact, I'm so excited I probably won't be able to sleep. I'll try anyway.  Goodnight!

They said they could tell a difference in the development of their child each day.  I thought to myself "no way - such liars".  But now, I'm one of them.  Linnea is literally getting stronger and more mobile each and every day.  The crawling stage is close upon us and it will probably be a matter of a couple weeks before she's cruising all the way across the floor.  Yesterday she could scoot a few inches backwards by pushing off of the ground with her arms.  Today she scooted backwards to get away from something and moved a couple feet! 

Baby proofing our house is next on the weekend list of "to do's" along with lowering the crib mattress.  Things certainly have changed from the weekend plans of a Saturday morning bikeride followed by a day of yardwork or ultimate frisbee practice.  This week I totally chickened out of our Wednesday night run because of bad weather and the fact that Linnea wouldn't be able to join us.  Rain and wind are no fun for a 6 month old - although I seriously contemplated suiting her up in her pink snowsuit so she could come with us.  Somehow we got the entire crew to bag out on the run, which never happens.  That kid (along with the crap weather) sure has us wrapped around her finger.

I've been having the dreams that represent the fears of a mother.   Once I wasn't holding Linnea on a flatbed trailer and she fell off as we rounded a corner.  Another time I was in Fred Meyers and I turned my head away from the cart to get something and when I returned she was missing.  Last night I was watching a performance at my high school reunion and was juggling a grocery bag, Miguel's backpack and Linnea.  I got so engrossed in the show that the next time I looked down, Linnea was nowhere in sight.  I had left her in another section of the stadium by herself.  So, I don't know if these dreams will continue for the rest of my life, but now that I'm finally getting longer stretches of sleep, it is more stressful to be asleep and ironically, a huge relief to wake up! 

I don't think I ever officially made the annoucement that I'm only 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, but as of yesterday morning, I only weighed 138!  At the tippy top of the pregnancy I was 160 - and 150 after Linnea was born.  Thanks to our weekly runs, a few bikerides and 4 months of boot camp, I'm back in the game.  I can even do 10 pullups again, and I played in a women's Goaltimate tournament a couple weekends ago.  Yay for back to normal!

I've been a bit reflective recently and have to mention that I feel extremely fortunate to be in this life.  Even with the ups and downs, I love the time I spend with my family & pets, friends, and co-workers.  Looking back at my past 10 or 12 years ago, I could never have guessed that path it would take.  I own the dog of my ex roommate from 8 years ago.  I married that guy I met on a rock climbing trip 12 years ago.  I was pregnant and have a child of my own - what??  I'm the creative director of the web company of which I interned with 5 years ago (following a spontaneous lunch with Rusty).  I went to college for 5 years studying biology and gave up teaching science to become a web designer.  I don't know that it's material good enough for a novel - but I love it just the same.  Bring it on - what's next?   

When I'm riding my bike home from work, I can hardly go fast enough.  Even though I'm dodging traffic at the 5:00 hour, I can feel a smile coming on as I think about seeing Linnea again.  This must be the feeling of motherhood I've heard so much about.  This morning I think I experienced it again.  Nothing particularly interesting or different happened.  Miguel had left for work on his bike and we had waved goodbye in the yard.  We took the dogs to the park and walked around the circle a couple times.  We went down the slide and back and forth on the swings a few times.   We came inside and Linnea was sitting in her ExerSaucer tapping some things around.  The dogs were laying on the couch watching me walk around.  At that moment, I realized that I was happy - really happy.  I took a moment to think about it because it felt so nice.  Work is going well, we're healthy, we're having fun, and Linnea is making strides in her daily development. 

Sometimes I think about it and I'm actually stricken with sadness simply because everything is going so well.   So today I had a moment when I realized that noticing happiness is just as important as being happy.  Perhaps those moments are fleeting and they don't officially last very long - but I'm going to try to have more of them.

After researching for a client project the other day, I came across this video: www.theyearsareshort.com.  I'm not sure if this would have hit home a year ago as much as it does today - but it does tug on the heart strings a bit. 

This is it.  This is life.

My parents came to visit this past weekend.  Miguel and I had the pleasure of playing my dad in racquetball after an 8 year hiatus (the last time I played Dad I was in college).  We played for 2.5 hours and we loved every minute of it.  Dad & Margo got in as many photo sessions as they could in their 3 day visit.  Linnea was a good sport and she allowed us to get a few 'keepers'.  Every time we have family visits, we talk about how we wish we lived closer to each other.  I wonder where Linnea is going to be when we're 50 years old.  Is she going to move far away too?  I can see how that would be hard to deal with when college comes around.  Kids are so eager to get out of the house - and parents wouldn't mind holding on a bit longer.  

For now, I'm loving the nights when Linnea falls asleep in my arms and the mornings when she wakes up with a big chubby leg stretch in the bed.  Her squeal of delight when I say 1 - 2 - 3 - and tickle her little tummy.  And that happy feeling of anticipation when I'm riding home from work - that soon I'll be able to see my little girl again.

I have tons of cool gadgets with which I plan on capturing a very nice, cohesive history of Linnea's life, and the rest of mine.  I've always had a photo documentary of my life.  My parents kept album after ablum of photos from the day of my birth, and I looked through them often as I was growing up.  Once I got old enough, I got my own camera and started making gigantic scrapbooks full of photos, stickers, and other middle/high school paraphanelia that one might collect (keychains, movie stubs, friendship bracelets, etc.).  Thankfully we've moved into a new era of digitalous.  Everything has gotten smaller and supposidely "simpler".  I'm not so sure that is the case.

I have touted Flickr to friends and family and I've got about 2000 photos posted on my Flickr account.  I'm a big fan of being able to show my history to anyone who asks with a simple URL.  However, I can't help but feel that with all its advantages, the digital age has also taken something away - that simple ability to turn off the TV and plop down on the couch with a good old fashioned photo album.  I haven't made an album for about 8 years.  Everything is online.  I found a solution to that for our wedding, which was Mpix, a company that allows you to make a book and have it printed for a reasonable cost.  Awesome - there is my new ability to have something tangible, and I do go back and look at those books periodically.  The only problem is that it takes about 10 or 20 times longer to put together one of those books.  Time that is suddenly withering away with a newborn in hand. I'm working on a new book that is of Linnea's birth and first 5 days.  I have about 800 photos to choose from.  Ugh.

And with that said, I've also jumped into the realm of video.  Family video, that is.  I've got a Flip Video Camera now.  So far I've got about 35 different clips ov varying lenghts.  80% of them are of Linnea sleeping and doing absolutely nothing.  Hopefully I'll be more discretionary as time goes on, but at the moment, I've got a lot of footage to root through in order to make anything of any interest.  And in order to make a video by stitching together several little videos, I need even more time.  This is hard work.  Not to mention that I have a blog to keep up on top of all of that.  

Be ready for more stuff y'all, I'm jumping further into the technology quicksand.  There's bound to be some jewels in there, right?  

Linnea's Friends from Heather Alvis on Vimeo.